Count it all joy. Because you know that God will bring you out on the other side of these trials a stronger person.
I could write a novel about what has been happening in the Kuechenmeister household lately, but for the sake of brevity, I'll give you a timeline.
June 17: 3rd menstrual cycle of 2012
July 11: blood test shows that Femera actually worked (i.e. I ovulated)
July 19: very faint positive pregnancy test
July 20: negative pregnancy test
July 22: faint positive pregnancy test
July 27: BFP (can you tell, I'm a POAS-aholic?)
August 1: light brown spotting
August 2: bright red spotting with clots
August 2: ultrasounds & blood tests
August 6: miscarriage confirmed
My dates (first day of cycle, intercourse, ovulation) all had me at different due dates, so I was somewhere between 5 and 6 weeks along. Either way, it was what you call a chemical pregnancy. And my gosh, that sounds so depressing, doesn't it?
Here's the truth, I had given up on the idea of ever getting pregnant. Not because I really went through the ringer like some women, but rather because I decided to give up. I was going to do this one round of Femera...mostly because I had already purchased the pills and they are too expensive ($25/pill) to not take. It wasn't going to work and then we were going to work towards adopting. In the mean time, I would have a big time at Twinfest 2012 (July 21-24) and continue to grow my business. Oh, and work on getting killer abs.
That was my plan. But apparently, that wasn't His plan.
Here is more of the truth, I was not super excited when I got that first positive. I know, you'd think that after 17 months of trying, I'd be over the moon about it. But, as you just read, getting pregnant was no longer in my plan. We had a bit of a roller coaster are-we-aren't-we, but it didn't take but me a few days to get super excited. I got two different pregnancy apps to keep track of things and was browsing craigslist for cute baby gear. I wanted to wait until 12 weeks to tell anyone, but the idea that I might miscarry was so far from my mind.
But, then, it did happen. I was frustrated, almost angry, that we had been trying 17 months and for what? For a miscarriage? I know this happens to a lot of women, but no one really expects it to happen to them.
I kept wondering: Why, Lord? What was I supposed to be learning? Didn't I already learn about waiting? About trusting?
But maybe I didn't. Because I wasn't waiting and trusting. I had given up on option A (get pregnant) and had my own plans to whole heartedly pursue option B (adopt).
Friday (while I was sure that I was right in the middle of a miscarriage, but still technically had to wait on Monday's bloodwork), the phrase came to me: Let go and let God.
Because, while I had thought I had peace about God's plan for my life, the truth is, I had just given up on waiting for Him. I never put my problems into God's hands, I just held on to them even tighter!
So, I let go. I put my problems and all my plans into His hands. I have peace about where God has me and I do count it as joy. I told someone yesterday that I wouldn't change my path for anything. Because I have learned and grown so much through this. I thought after I said that, hmm, maybe I would change it...for a baby!
But the truth is, not even that. Mike and I are certain that God will provide for us in His time. And in the meantime, He is shaping me to be a better mother than I could have been if I got pregnant 17 months ago. A better wife and a better person, too.
And anyway, there is good news to be had here. I can get pregnant. I don't need IUI or IVF or anything like that. I am, in fact, not infertile. So, there is definite joy to be had there.
I also feel that I should add: don't feel bad for me. It's a sad event. I cried. Many times, I said to Mike, "I wish this never happened." But I have peace that God has amazing plans for my family.
Also, I have a great Saviour, a loving husband, and a scruffy mutt who bring me comfort.
(p.s. Forgive me for any typos. Feel free to leave comments that say, "Um, you spelled something wrong," or whatever.)