Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Count it all joy

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I love this passage. I especially loved it when it was finally explained to me. Count it all joy when you encounter trials of various kinds. And it's like, What? No, I don't think I will count trials as joy. In fact, they are no fun at all. But if you keep reading, you know that the joy comes because you know what being faithful through the trials brings. Steadfastness, which is defined by Google as "loyalty in the face of trouble and difficulty."

Count it all joy. Because you know that God will bring you out on the other side of these trials a stronger person.

I could write a novel about what has been happening in the Kuechenmeister household lately, but for the sake of brevity, I'll give you a timeline.

June 17: 3rd menstrual cycle of 2012
July 11: blood test shows that Femera actually worked (i.e. I ovulated)
July 19: very faint positive pregnancy test
July 20: negative pregnancy test
July 22: faint positive pregnancy test
July 27: BFP (can you tell, I'm a POAS-aholic?)
August 1: light brown spotting
August 2: bright red spotting with clots
August 2: ultrasounds & blood tests
August 6: miscarriage confirmed

My dates (first day of cycle, intercourse, ovulation) all had me at different due dates, so I was somewhere between 5 and 6 weeks along. Either way, it was what you call a chemical pregnancy. And my gosh, that sounds so depressing, doesn't it?

Here's the truth, I had given up on the idea of ever getting pregnant. Not because I really went through the ringer like some women, but rather because I decided to give up. I was going to do this one round of Femera...mostly because I had already purchased the pills and they are too expensive ($25/pill) to not take. It wasn't going to work and then we were going to work towards adopting. In the mean time, I would have a big time at Twinfest 2012 (July 21-24) and continue to grow my business. Oh, and work on getting killer abs.

That was my plan. But apparently, that wasn't His plan.

Here is more of the truth, I was not super excited when I got that first positive. I know, you'd think that after 17 months of trying, I'd be over the moon about it. But, as you just read, getting pregnant was no longer in my plan. We had a bit of a roller coaster are-we-aren't-we, but it didn't take but me a few days to get super excited. I got two different pregnancy apps to keep track of things and was browsing craigslist for cute baby gear. I wanted to wait until 12 weeks to tell anyone, but the idea that I might miscarry was so far from my mind.

But, then, it did happen. I was frustrated, almost angry, that we had been trying 17 months and for what? For a miscarriage? I know this happens to a lot of women, but no one really expects it to happen to them.

I kept wondering: Why, Lord? What was I supposed to be learning? Didn't I already learn about waiting? About trusting?

But maybe I didn't. Because I wasn't waiting and trusting. I had given up on option A (get pregnant) and had my own plans to whole heartedly pursue option B (adopt).

Friday (while I was sure that I was right in the middle of a miscarriage, but still technically had to wait on Monday's bloodwork), the phrase came to me: Let go and let God.

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Because, while I had thought I had peace about God's plan for my life, the truth is, I had just given up on waiting for Him. I never put my problems into God's hands, I just held on to them even tighter!

So, I let go. I put my problems and all my plans into His hands. I have peace about where God has me and I do count it as joy. I told someone yesterday that I wouldn't change my path for anything. Because I have learned and grown so much through this. I thought after I said that, hmm, maybe I would change it...for a baby! 

But the truth is, not even that. Mike and I are certain that God will provide for us in His time. And in the meantime, He is shaping me to be a better mother than I could have been if I got pregnant 17 months ago. A better wife and a better person, too.

And anyway, there is good news to be had here. I can get pregnant. I don't need IUI or IVF or anything like that. I am, in fact, not infertile. So, there is definite joy to be had there.

I also feel that I should add: don't feel bad for me. It's a sad event. I cried. Many times, I said to Mike, "I wish this never happened." But I have peace that God has amazing plans for my family.

Also, I have a great Saviour, a loving husband, and a scruffy mutt who bring me comfort.

(p.s. Forgive me for any typos. Feel free to leave comments that say, "Um, you spelled something wrong," or whatever.)

2 comments:

Alison said...

Beautifully written and a beautiful outlook on life-- the good and the not-so-good. Thank you for sharing this so openly!

Amy McCravy said...

Praying for you! God is so faithful to us, and it is so often seen in the emotional rollercoasters like what you have gone through! I'm sorry that you guys had to go through this, but inspired by your sharing and that you can truly "count it all joy!" Whichever of our dreams God provides for is the one He knows will fulfill us the most, and that is always a joyful thing. :)

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