Tuesday, November 22, 2011

stream on consciousness: botb

Dealing with unmet expectations is basically the story of my adult life. That's a nice way of saying that I've been known to throw temper tantrums when life doesn't go my way. Sad. Pathetic. True. I'm learning to call it what it is.

However, these tantrums are getting fewer and further between. I'm getting better at trusting in God's plan for my life. Trusting that He knows what is going on. But then, suddenly, another seemingly simple expectation is unmet and I'm struggling all over again.

What am I talking about? See, I had this plan (oh, and doesn't it always start out this way...) that when Mike and I had been married for around 2 years and 9 months, we'd have a baby. My plan changed a little. By that, I mean that my birth control prescription expired and paying $70/month for it was getting rather expensive. We're not anti-baby, so we went with it. 


At which time, of course, my brain shifted gears to BABIES!!! One thing it forgot to take into account, however, was the horrendous periods (and often lack thereof) that I've suffered in my life. This puts a bit of a damper on the baby making since you cannot actually make a baby without periods.

It's just that, I always thought I'd, you know, try to make a baby, and then BAM! Baby! Yay! I mean, why wouldn't it happen that way. Right? That was about 9 months ago.

I know it's not a baby. But it was the first thing to pop up when I searched "baby" at weheartit.com. Also, it's appropriate because I have a dog that's my baby. And she's wearing a t-shirt right now. Unlike this dapper dog, however, Bella is a mess.

It got really frustrating. Especially when it seems that everyone around me is getting pregnant and having babies. Double especially when the people who don't even want babies are getting pregnant. (Yep. Just checked Facebook and yet another friend is pregnant.)

In the middle of everything, time seemed to drag. I felt like I had been in the middle of this for ages. These "ages" were actually only a couple of months. And, honestly, I knew that there were people in far worse baby circumstances.

It just seemed like some kind of cruel joke. The whole reason I became a nanny in the first place was because I wanted to be a SAHM someday. I've spent almost 8 years caring for other people's children. (And, by the way, loving almost every minute of it.)

My situation felt never dire. But, truthfully, it never really was. A fact I was reminded of when a acquaintance told me she had 9 years between her two kids. Nine months vs. nine years. 

I get it. My plight isn't much of one. It's small. It seems so big to me, though! (Maybe that's because I seem so big to me.)

Sometime in the past, oh, two months or so, I've been a LOT less frustrated. My brain shifted gears. Or, maybe it's my heart that shifted gears.

God has these wonderful plans for my life. And right now, they involve nights spent snuggling my husband. And my dog. They involve a growing photography business. Making the most of my time with Alex, Lauren, & Davis. Forming relationships with my neighbors.

Mostly, these plans involve me being content right where I am.


I can be happy for my friends who are having babies. Actually happy. :)

Because, what I'm really trying to say (and I hope I've been able to say it with any lucidity) is that this post isn't really about babies at all. It's more about me growing up, getting over myself, and trusting in God's perfect plans.

(I've been wanting to write this blog for a while but I just haven't known how or when to approach it. Sorry it if was more than you care to know about me. ;) And sorry this post was so long. There was a lot to catch you up on. )

4 comments:

chloë. said...

I appreciated your honesty and your outlook. God is SO in control and while it's so hard to wait sometimes, there is so much goodness we can learn in the waiting. Keep the faith!

Hope your Thanksgiving is marvelous. :)

fraukuech said...

Thanks for the encouragement, Chole! :) :)

Well-Sugared Student said...

Gosh, doesn't it seem like EV-ER-Y-ONE is pregnant as soon as you want to be too? We just started the waiting game. I'm worried I don't ovulate. Then I'm worried something else is wrong. Everyone else in my family gets pregnant instantly. Oh well. I am trying to just trust God. Truthfully, what other choice do I have than to be miserable? Good for you for calming down. I also saw that you went to the doc and got a PCOS diagnosis. Good -then you can have a game plan!

Missy said...

My favorite line? "Maybe that's because I seem so big to me." I should probably stencil that in BIG letters across one wall of every room in my house.

And by the way, I love you bunches!

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