Friday, August 4, 2006

I don't want to be better, I just want to be good.

Life can't ever be perfect but it can come pretty darn close--and mine does.

I don't think I've ever been quite as lucky as I am right now. I have an amazing boyfriend who is so good to me. He's so incredible in so many ways (and he's really hot too). I have an awesome job with bosses that give me two months off to frolic at camp. I learn so much with this job. School is starting soon and, though I just registered three days ago, I got almost all the classes I wanted. I'm moving out of my current apartment and into a one bedroom soon. My parents are some of my best friends. They are so amazing, and I'm lucky to have such a great family.

Life is good. So many things are going my way. And is that making me lazy? I've been back in 'the real world' for less than a week now. I'm not tired of the whole thing, just little aspects that I don't think I saw before. Why is it just that when something goes a little off, I get rather annoyed. I just want everything to fall into place.

I feel kind of like I'm not who I should be. My patience is waning. Something I desperately need to keep my sanity. I feel like I'm less loving than I have been in the past. I feel like I'm taking this out on all the wrong people and being incredibly unfair. Instead of wanting to make things work, I just want to give up. And it's tearing me up.

I want to dance around like a butterfly. Where the only thing that matters is stepping in time with the drum. Where I'm not boss, and I'm not 'ma-ma', and I'm not jealous, and I'm not insecure, and I'm not stressed for what seems like stupid reasons.

And if I can't do that? I just want to turn on jazz music and make you dinner. And read books on the couch together--your smart books and my 'chick lit'. And share ice cream. And talk about everything under the sun until we can barely keep our eyes open. And cuddle. That always makes me feel better.

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