Monday, April 3, 2006

Late Night Ramblings...

I try so hard to be everything all at the same time. It is so freaking ridiculous. As I sit here, my eyes are still moist from the tears I cried over nothing. You have got to do that every so often, I suppose--cry over nothing, that is. At least, I have got to. I just finished watching your typical romantic comedy and it ended, as always, happily ever after. ::cue the awws:::

It left me, as always, wanting that happily ever after. But sometimes, I forget that I am only twenty-one.
(Maybe because everyone is so much older than me!) I have still go an load of living to do before I realized anything of any substance what-so-ever.

I try to pretend to be older or smarter or anything else that is so much more than I really am. And maybe I am convincing myself, but it is all a lie. Right?

I do not know. Right now, I guess I am pretending to be pseudo intellectual or philosophical or something. Maybe because it is almost midnight and I am tired. I got very little sleep last night due to scrambled eggs and root beer floats...followed by Firefly.

Where was I? At that happily ever after? Oy. See, I am only twenty-one and something like that is something that I should not even be dreaming of right now. I have had my broken hearts and I have left a trail of them in my wake. Right now, I need to be single. How can I say this without sounding so trite? I need to experience life for myself. Going to bars and picking up a different guy every week is not exactly what I need either.

Thank goodness I have an interesting group of friends. Lately, I have not been flocking to Sassafras every Friday and Saturday night hoping to meet a cute guy or at least hang out with some of the super-cool regulars...but end up flirting with strange men. Only doing this because I have got nothing else to do and no one else to do it with. Now, I have a group of friends who, for whatever reason, actually enjoys my company. I think it is my cheery energy. That is how everyone can manage to stay at Brent's until ungodly hours. We are all running off my excessively rich cheery energy.

I have, as of late, met some really cool guys. Much nicer than the strangers at the bar. I may have mentioned it before, but ever since I gave up dating for Lent, I have met some amazing guys that are too much fun to hang out with. Guys whom I would love to date.

And they have been on my mind.

The guys that I am not seeing but wish I was. Or the one guy that I am thirsty for his attentions. Or the spattering of young and old men that I have dated once or twice. Or guys that I just want to be friends with but they cannot seem to understand.

I close my eyes and picture myself with me and any of these men. And it just does not click.

I really like some of them, but there is a problem in that. I like some of them. I am going back to that whole multiple dating route and I do not like where it leads. Confusion, among other things. And I get confused easily. So, for now, I think I will just say no to it all. Until I can figure anything out at all (i.e. never). If I am very lucky, I shall end up on Serenity with Captain Tight-pants and Dr. Simon-licious. I have never been on a Firefly before...

I feel jaded and optimistic. Confused and certain. Independent and needy. Determined and wishy-washy. And everything in between.

All at the same time.

I love it when I make no sense what-so-ever. I do it far too often. I feel like I want so much more than I can have. I feel like life is beautiful and I am not appreciating it because I am waiting so desperately for someone to take notice of me.

But I do not actually want the full notice.

I want to be appreciated like art. Admire me, but please do not touch me.

I am a work in progress, you might mess me up. I have got enough fingerprints on the glossy of my heart. Let me clean those up.

I just reread over this whole entry and came to the conclusion that it is like a puzzle that was put together wrong. I could edit it and make it nice. But these are late night ramblings...and they are supposed to be haphazard.

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